I don’t know if you can remember.
One year ago, on this exact day, we met up.
27th October 2008, we met up at Botak Jones Clementi.
Cupid shot the 2 arrows.
Instead of shooting on our backs, it shot right into my heart.

I know you still blog about me.
I know you still sms me.
I know you still facebook me.

You must be wondering why aren’t I replying.
You must be wondering why am I so heartless.
You must be wondering why will you ever fall for such a girl.

This year has been tough for you and for me.
Our transaction period.
From a student to an employee.
From friends to couple to friends. Perhaps stranger.


People ask, if I am over you.
I say YES. And I don’t dare to look back whenever I answer.
I know that my eyes can’t lie.
I know that I most prob can’t hold my tears.

I am never good at words.
I am never good at actions.
I am never good at expressing.

Actually do you know that I have so so so much to say.
But I really don’t know how to put them into words.
And I know that most probably they wouldn’t mean anything to you.
Perhaps afterall it is really meaningless to even blog about it.
But I can’t help it.

Do you know something?
After our breakup, you sent me this list of 40 things that I have done wrongly.
It hurts me so much.
Because they are incident based and not character based.

You said that I am not the girl you want.
You said that I never really bother about what you want.
You said that I never truly understand you.

You said you had to go and you just did.
But do you know something?
That period was the darkest period in my life.
I had to struggle with work.
Work was really stressful for me then.
Boss even warned me that at best she can keep me for 2 months because I wasn’t performing.
I used to the top student in school.
With such major change, I cannot take it.
I was so vulnerable, I needed someone to be there for me.
I thought I was lucky. Because I had you.
I was happy no matter how tough work was.
Because I had you.

Back then , I look forward to everyday ending work.
Because I know I can meet you. I know I can see you.
But not now anymore.

All I wanted was your presence.
Your hugs. Your kisses. Your smell. Your comfort.
But you know what you gave me?

You never once praised me in our months together.
You never once truly smiled when you were with me.
You never once said I was beautiful.
You never once said you miss me.
You never once held me hands real tight.
I know I had to leave.

When we held hands, you never really hold my hands real tight.
When we were together, you never really sayang my head.
When we were together, you never massaged me knowing I was tired.
I know I had to leave.

When I looked in to your eyes, I never felt my presence.
When I smiled at you, I never felt that you were ever cheered up by me.
When I turned my head around, I never saw you looking at me.
I know I had to leave.

Despite all these challenges, I chose to hang on.
Despite nights after nights of tears, I chose to move forward.
Despite not making you smile, I chose to try again.
But, I know I was never the one who can make you happy.
I know I had to leave.

I always wanted to explain myself.
But you said I am always so defensive of myself.
With time, I lost the will to even say anything.

On lunar new year day eve, I was late for reunion dinner.
Do you know why?
I had very bad cramps. I did not even sleep a bit the night before.
That’s why I struggled my way there despite feeling horrible.
I did not want to break my promise.
I did not want to disappoint you.
Most importantly, I wanted to be part of your family.


On lunar new year day 2, you said I left early.
You said that was rude.
You said that wouldn’t reflect nice to your parents.

But do you know something?
You didn’t even bother to come to my house and pay my parents a visit.

When I asked you why you were so quiet when you came to my house.
All you said was that my dad was so quiet and he did not seemed to want to talk.
All you said was how we did not make you feel welcomed.
But have you ever wondered how much you have tried to talk to my parents.

Do you know something?
Whenever I go to your house, I talked to your mom.
I even helped her to massage her head and legs.
Not because all was for the sake of doing it.
But it all came from the heart.

When you were sick, I rushed down to your house with lemon and honey.
Yes, you said that I was insensitive.
I was insensitive because I do things halfway.
I did not bother to make them into drinks for you.
But you know something?
When I told you I was sick, when I told you I was having cramps,
What you did was just a sms. Perhaps just 1 phone call.

Those lecturing lessons.
Those eye contacts that never meant love.
Those holding hands moments with you were always just me holding your hands.
Your hands were never holding on to my hands.

New year eve. I really wanna spend time with you instead of going to the hotel to celebrate with my friends.
Valentines’ day. I just wanna spend time alone with you because it was my first valentine with you. All I wanted to do was to wish you a very happy valentines’ day when it passed midnight. All I heard was you sighing.
The night you tried to kiss me and I pushed you away. All I wanted was to muster my courage to enjoy the special moment with you. But you said it was very hurtful. You said you felt rejected. But I did not mean it at all. I just didn’t know what to do.

On a movie date with you. You were so so angry with me. I don’t even know what happened. Later I found out that you were angry because I was walking so slow. Only to realise that because my slippers were too big.

You always said that if I don’t say, how will you know. But have you wondered? Why didn’t you asked yourself, why you didn’t ask me? But I always keep quiet. Because I loved you too much to even correct you.

You said you had too much commitments. You were overloaded. You said at times I was not understanding enough to understand that. But I did. I didn’t even asked you to spend time with me. All I did was to block out all my activities so that in case you cancelled your stuffs last minute, we can still meet up.

You said you don’t feel needed like a boyfriend.
All I wanted to do was not to bother you.
Because I knew that you had too much commitments.

You said you were tired.
You said you were the one kept hanging on the rope.
You said you cant see any future in us.

You said. You said. You said.

But.. have you ever wondered what I said?

You said you understand me.

You said that was the best way out.

But, is that fair for me?
2 months to judge me based on what I will be in the future.
Even at work place, the least probation period is 3 months.

You said I did this wrong. I did that wrong.
But do you know that you were just looking for her shadow?
A shadow that doesn’t even belong to anyone but her?

Perhaps you think you did understand me well enough.

8 months after our breakup and you interpreted that I am in a relationship after reading my blog.
My so called “Baby” is my boyfriend?
Indeed, you don’t understand me that well actually.
8 months after a break up and I can get into another relationship?

I am not that kind of girl.
8 months.
I haven’t even been on any dates with any guys.

That’s me.
That’s Meishan.

Perhaps you think that I really hate you now.
But the truth is no.
Not a single bit.

I just don’t know how to face myself.
Give me more time.

Please be happy.